So, not the next day, but whatever, i'm doing this right...
Something I love about myself.
Stubbornness. Most people would see that as a bad thing, but I don't. Most people in my family are stubborn as mules, and i see that as a virtue. It's what allows me to speak up when others around me won't when i see some form of injustice in my life. It allows me to be confrontational when necessary because i'd rather overcome my fear than allow people to abuse me. It helps me maintain an ideal even though people around me don't yet understand why, and not conform and follow the crowd when i view what everyone's doing as wrong. It also allows me to persevere when times are tough, as i dig in my heels until the problem's solved, and refuse to be convinced otherwise.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Day 1 - Something I hate about myself
This is hard. I'm generally quite content with myself, while simultaneously hating various aspects of me, or practices/habits i develop along the way. So choosing "something" I hate about myself is quite hard to do. Just 1 thing? really?
Nope, couldn't do it, i tried prioritizing my dislike of various things about myself, and i can't seem to make a concise list in my head with accompanying grading system.
So some of the things i hate about myself that i'm semi-comfortable in sharing with whoever stumbles across this page:
I hate my self degradation and mild narcissism simultaneously. I switch from believing I'm superior to those around me for various reasons, and feeling i'm worthless for the same number of reasons, and often the exact same reasons. I believe in general equality, but cannot believe we were all made equal. Most of the time I'm around other people, I feel that they aren't worthy of my thoughts or ideas as they don't seem to reciprocate by sharing ideas that i find valid. When i'm alone i feel that I'm missing something key that would make me more valuable to others around me, and make connecting to them easier for me.
I hate that I'm amazing at procrastination. I'm writing this blog at my desk. 'Nuff said.
I hate that i can deal with other people's problems so easily and objectively, but not my own. People come to me for personal advice and i can objectively look at their issue and offer thoughts on resolving it, but cannot seem to do that in my own life. I can review my issues objectively, but if there is an emotional element to the solution, i would rather hide away from it until it becomes too big to run from.
I hate how I push those closest to me away emotionally so that i don't have to feel anything when they're not there. This is a defence mechanism i built in a long time ago, but it has slowly corroded some of my most valued relationships.
I hate how i can't walk away from things that affect me. I have no off switch, if i read something, or see something that affects me, it stays on my mind until it's far bigger than in reality. This applies to anything from a news article i read to a snippet of conversation with someone. 90% of our reality is in our minds, and i'm testament to that. I seem to play scenarios over and over in my mind, until they are so far removed from reality that it's ridiculous, and yet i harbor feelings from these thoughts afterwards, which is both unhealthy and just plain mental. It's like having a dream your partner cheated on you and waking up pissed off at the real them, even though they were just sleeping next to you. Only with me, it's my permanent living space.
I hate how I have to over-simplify things for people around me everyday. It's draining as hell and i wish some of them would just fade away so i didn't feel like a nursery school teacher. This is mainly work related, but as mentioned above, i take it home with me every day, and struggle not to take that frustration out on those i love.
I hate how i promise myself things and don't pull through. It's a reminder that i may one day start doing it to others, and i don't want to be that guy.
I hate how much i enjoy distance in other people. Most of my family live abroad now, leaving me all alone back 'home', and i absolutely love that. Yet i hate that about myself. I love them, and miss them terribly, but prefer missing them to dealing with them every day. It's like all the people i needed to impress packed up and left me alone to be unimpressive and content with that. No more expectations, only distant compassion. It's helped some of those relationships along, but hindered others.
That's enough hate for one day. This was hard, but easier than expected.
Nope, couldn't do it, i tried prioritizing my dislike of various things about myself, and i can't seem to make a concise list in my head with accompanying grading system.
So some of the things i hate about myself that i'm semi-comfortable in sharing with whoever stumbles across this page:
I hate my self degradation and mild narcissism simultaneously. I switch from believing I'm superior to those around me for various reasons, and feeling i'm worthless for the same number of reasons, and often the exact same reasons. I believe in general equality, but cannot believe we were all made equal. Most of the time I'm around other people, I feel that they aren't worthy of my thoughts or ideas as they don't seem to reciprocate by sharing ideas that i find valid. When i'm alone i feel that I'm missing something key that would make me more valuable to others around me, and make connecting to them easier for me.
I hate that I'm amazing at procrastination. I'm writing this blog at my desk. 'Nuff said.
I hate that i can deal with other people's problems so easily and objectively, but not my own. People come to me for personal advice and i can objectively look at their issue and offer thoughts on resolving it, but cannot seem to do that in my own life. I can review my issues objectively, but if there is an emotional element to the solution, i would rather hide away from it until it becomes too big to run from.
I hate how I push those closest to me away emotionally so that i don't have to feel anything when they're not there. This is a defence mechanism i built in a long time ago, but it has slowly corroded some of my most valued relationships.
I hate how i can't walk away from things that affect me. I have no off switch, if i read something, or see something that affects me, it stays on my mind until it's far bigger than in reality. This applies to anything from a news article i read to a snippet of conversation with someone. 90% of our reality is in our minds, and i'm testament to that. I seem to play scenarios over and over in my mind, until they are so far removed from reality that it's ridiculous, and yet i harbor feelings from these thoughts afterwards, which is both unhealthy and just plain mental. It's like having a dream your partner cheated on you and waking up pissed off at the real them, even though they were just sleeping next to you. Only with me, it's my permanent living space.
I hate how I have to over-simplify things for people around me everyday. It's draining as hell and i wish some of them would just fade away so i didn't feel like a nursery school teacher. This is mainly work related, but as mentioned above, i take it home with me every day, and struggle not to take that frustration out on those i love.
I hate how i promise myself things and don't pull through. It's a reminder that i may one day start doing it to others, and i don't want to be that guy.
I hate how much i enjoy distance in other people. Most of my family live abroad now, leaving me all alone back 'home', and i absolutely love that. Yet i hate that about myself. I love them, and miss them terribly, but prefer missing them to dealing with them every day. It's like all the people i needed to impress packed up and left me alone to be unimpressive and content with that. No more expectations, only distant compassion. It's helped some of those relationships along, but hindered others.
That's enough hate for one day. This was hard, but easier than expected.
Getting back on that horse...
After much time away from even other peoples blogs, i was ambling through a family member's past posts, and it got me wondering if this account was still open. Turns out it is. Turns out the last time i posted anything was when i created the damn thing years back, but it turns out i was somehow still signed in. aside from obvious security concerns, it made it a lot easier not having to retrieve old passwords to get in. So yay for zero security.
So now i will try to get back on that old horse called writing / expression / whatever, or as my lovely other-person called it, debriefing.
A short note on that, i felt it was a wonderful practice. Al has a new job full of all the excitement and wonder that goes along with it, and in this job, they have to deal with all sorts of family trauma on an hourly basis. So at the end of every day, each employee has a chosen other employee that they vent to. They call it debriefing the day. It basically allows the person to deal with all the other peoples problems all day, and then let go of them before leaving. It also gives them a sort of confidant in their workplace, someone safe to talk to that won't take offence at anything said, and won't take whats said to anyone that would. They can then go into their sessions the next day calm and collected, and try to make some form of progress with someone else and their child. I think every workplace should follow this practice. Every one that i have worked for could definitely use the practice, even the one i'm currently at. I made the remark to her that my boss debriefs publicly on an hourly basis, to which she retorted "that's not debriefing, that's throwing a tantrum, and is problem behaviour." If only the business world worked like child psychology.
So this will, in some small way, hopefully become my debriefing session, allowing me to once again express some of myself through randomly connected letters, phrases and paragraphs. We'll see, it may end up with that promise i made myself 5 years ago to start running everyday.
So, to start off, and to try force myself to maintain it, i am stealing an idea from someone who stole the idea off someone else. basically, i'm pulling a microsoft.
So here's the list of proposed blog entries for the next who knows how long:
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
So now i will try to get back on that old horse called writing / expression / whatever, or as my lovely other-person called it, debriefing.
A short note on that, i felt it was a wonderful practice. Al has a new job full of all the excitement and wonder that goes along with it, and in this job, they have to deal with all sorts of family trauma on an hourly basis. So at the end of every day, each employee has a chosen other employee that they vent to. They call it debriefing the day. It basically allows the person to deal with all the other peoples problems all day, and then let go of them before leaving. It also gives them a sort of confidant in their workplace, someone safe to talk to that won't take offence at anything said, and won't take whats said to anyone that would. They can then go into their sessions the next day calm and collected, and try to make some form of progress with someone else and their child. I think every workplace should follow this practice. Every one that i have worked for could definitely use the practice, even the one i'm currently at. I made the remark to her that my boss debriefs publicly on an hourly basis, to which she retorted "that's not debriefing, that's throwing a tantrum, and is problem behaviour." If only the business world worked like child psychology.
So this will, in some small way, hopefully become my debriefing session, allowing me to once again express some of myself through randomly connected letters, phrases and paragraphs. We'll see, it may end up with that promise i made myself 5 years ago to start running everyday.
So, to start off, and to try force myself to maintain it, i am stealing an idea from someone who stole the idea off someone else. basically, i'm pulling a microsoft.
So here's the list of proposed blog entries for the next who knows how long:
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Monday, September 21, 2009
Little Bobby
So after a good but rushed weekend, I am back in the office once again, so figured I'd fill you in on the latest news...
Aidan is up for his holidays, so from Thursday I have taken my annual leave to spend all the time I can with him. Fabulousness rains from the skies (where else does fabulousness come from anyway?)
Got a little bit of very bad news this morning about someone but we wont talk about that now, as i'm sure all the fam are feeling a bit sad too...
the boy is colouring in at my desk at the moment and making light saber sounds (he's colouring in Yoda)
All from Bob the Great about him and Little Bobby....
Aidan is up for his holidays, so from Thursday I have taken my annual leave to spend all the time I can with him. Fabulousness rains from the skies (where else does fabulousness come from anyway?)
Got a little bit of very bad news this morning about someone but we wont talk about that now, as i'm sure all the fam are feeling a bit sad too...
the boy is colouring in at my desk at the moment and making light saber sounds (he's colouring in Yoda)
All from Bob the Great about him and Little Bobby....
Thursday, September 17, 2009
A very good thing...
This is the first "boring" day that I have managed to have at work in a very, very long time. My desk is clean, my work is done, my boss is out, and so I'm listening to music on my headphones. I also decided to blog again, and since I'm such a genius, I have forgotten all those little fad blogsites that I am (probably) still a member of. So welcome to the secret life of bob, the all new occasional brain dribble from me...
I guess this is the part where I start to describe in detail the intracasies of giving my pet cockroach Tony a backrub after a long day running my flat while I'm away at work. Or I could tell you a story far less simple, far more sinister, and FAR weirder than.... nope, still wrong.
I did move though. To a nice little flat in an okay little area (many afrikaans speaking individuals though) overlooking a busy little street with no busy little people (umpalumpa's are on order). I have no pictures to post as yet, so unlucky...
And my boy is coming up this weekend, Yay! Life is filled with radness and WOW! (Okay, I've finally done it, even though I tried so hard not to, I've started a sentence with a conjunction, and used Young-speak, what it is mo'fos) But it's still awesome, with little bits of cool confetti'd all over it.
I'm still not used to this, It's been about two hours and nothings happened. It's like post-apocolyptic offices. I think all male reps are in a strip club, all female reps are in a shop, and everybody else has died of heatstroke... Our offices are dead. D.E.A.D. Only telesales are struggling on tirelessly overcoming the great obstacles of twisted phone cord and keyboard induced hand trauma.
May this day end soon...
I guess this is the part where I start to describe in detail the intracasies of giving my pet cockroach Tony a backrub after a long day running my flat while I'm away at work. Or I could tell you a story far less simple, far more sinister, and FAR weirder than.... nope, still wrong.
I did move though. To a nice little flat in an okay little area (many afrikaans speaking individuals though) overlooking a busy little street with no busy little people (umpalumpa's are on order). I have no pictures to post as yet, so unlucky...
And my boy is coming up this weekend, Yay! Life is filled with radness and WOW! (Okay, I've finally done it, even though I tried so hard not to, I've started a sentence with a conjunction, and used Young-speak, what it is mo'fos) But it's still awesome, with little bits of cool confetti'd all over it.
I'm still not used to this, It's been about two hours and nothings happened. It's like post-apocolyptic offices. I think all male reps are in a strip club, all female reps are in a shop, and everybody else has died of heatstroke... Our offices are dead. D.E.A.D. Only telesales are struggling on tirelessly overcoming the great obstacles of twisted phone cord and keyboard induced hand trauma.
May this day end soon...
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