Day 1 - Something I hate about myself

This is hard. I'm generally quite content with myself, while simultaneously hating various aspects of me, or practices/habits i develop along the way. So choosing "something" I hate about myself is quite hard to do. Just 1 thing? really?

Nope, couldn't do it, i tried prioritizing my dislike of various things about myself, and i can't seem to make a concise list in my head with accompanying grading system.

So some of the things i hate about myself that i'm semi-comfortable in sharing with whoever stumbles across this page:

I hate my self degradation and mild narcissism simultaneously. I switch from believing I'm superior to those around me for various reasons, and feeling i'm worthless for the same number of reasons, and often the exact same reasons. I believe in general equality, but cannot believe we were all made equal. Most of the time I'm around other people, I feel that they aren't worthy of  my thoughts or ideas as they don't seem to reciprocate by sharing ideas that i find valid. When i'm alone i feel that I'm missing something key that would make me more valuable to others around me, and make connecting to them easier for me.

I hate that I'm amazing at procrastination. I'm writing this blog at my desk. 'Nuff said.

I hate that i can deal with other people's problems so easily and objectively, but not my own. People come to me for personal advice and i can objectively look at their issue and offer thoughts on resolving it, but cannot seem to do that in my own life. I can review my issues objectively, but if there is an emotional element to the solution, i would rather hide away from it until it becomes too big to run from.

I hate how I push those closest to me away emotionally so that i don't have to feel anything when they're not there. This is a defence mechanism i built in a long time ago, but it has slowly corroded some of my most valued relationships.

I hate how i can't walk away from things that affect me. I have no off switch, if i read something, or see something that affects me, it stays on my mind until it's far bigger than in reality. This applies to anything from a news article i read to a snippet of conversation with someone. 90% of our reality is in our minds, and i'm testament to that. I seem to play scenarios over and over in my mind, until they are so far removed from reality that it's ridiculous, and yet i harbor feelings from these thoughts afterwards, which is both unhealthy and just plain mental. It's like having a dream your partner cheated on you and waking up pissed off at the real them, even though they were just sleeping next to you. Only with me, it's my permanent living space.

I hate how I have to over-simplify things for people around me everyday. It's draining as hell and i wish some of them would just fade away so i didn't feel like a nursery school teacher. This is mainly work related, but as mentioned above, i take it home with me every day, and struggle not to take that frustration out on those i love.

I hate how i promise myself things and don't pull through. It's a reminder that i may one day start doing it to others, and i don't want to be that guy.

I hate how much i enjoy distance in other people. Most of my family live abroad now, leaving me all alone back 'home', and i absolutely love that. Yet i hate that about myself. I love them, and miss them terribly, but prefer missing them to dealing with them every day. It's like all the people i needed to impress packed up and left me alone to be unimpressive and content with that. No more expectations, only distant compassion. It's helped some of those relationships along, but hindered others.

That's enough hate for one day. This was hard, but easier than expected.